3 серия

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This programme contains some strong
language

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Ladies and gentlemen...

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welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

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So go on...

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Jacko says to the policeman
"I couldn't have been doing more

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"than 40, and, actually, after
the crossing we had to slow down.

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"We were only doing about 30".

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I'd say we were only doing 20.

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Jesus, hold on there, Winnie, before
you feckin' reverse into somebody.

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Jaysus, that beer's gone
through me like the Eurostar.

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I'm going to have to
go to the toilet.

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Hello!

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You just missed one of
Winnie's Jacko stories.

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She has millions of them
and they're all about Jacko.

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Of course, they've
been married years.

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PHONE RINGS
Hello? Cathy!

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Cathy, get that telephone!

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Ah, Mammy, the phone is portable!
Well, I'm not buckin' portable.

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Now get the phone.

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OK, Mammy.

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You know, I've heard
Winnie's stories, oh,

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a hundred times, but I listen
every time like it's the first time.

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That's what friends do, isn't it?

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Did I tell you that Jacko wants
to get a dog? No. Yeah, a Labrador.

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Oh, Jesus don't let him get a
Labrador, half the people who
get them go feckin' blind!

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Really? Yes!

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Winnie, it's your Sharon on the
phone. What the hell does she want?

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You can't even go round
the feckin' corner. Mammy!

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What? It's Mr McGoogan.

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Jacko? He's collapsed.
He's been taken into hospital.

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Oh, sweet little Jesus Christ,
Mother Mary, Joseph and the donkey
that took them all to Bethlehem!

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I've got to go to hospital, Agnes.
It's Jacko's gone in
with chest pains.

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Cathy told me. You're not going on
your own, Winnie, I'll go with you.

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Mammy, I'll go over and stay
with Sharon. She's very upset.

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Winnie, you don't be worrying.
These things often turn out
to be worse than they look!

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Hello? Hello?

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Ah, hello. It's a little chipmunk!

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Squirrel, Mammy, squirrel!

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So what are you promoting this week?
Chocolate bars.

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What has a hazelnut in every bite?

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Squirrel shit!
What's all this, love?

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Post and more stuff you
bought off the telly.

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Me Shake Weight
and me bikini-wax treatment.

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And me hair teaser!

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I wish you'd stop buying
that crap off the TV, Ma.

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Crap? Dermot, this is
first-class merchandise.

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And not available in the shops.

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Do you want a cup of tea, love?
Love one!

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Come on, nibble on me arse!

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It's been a busy morning.
Well, love, you know,

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you have to gather your nuts!

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Nah, running around trying
to get things done for the wedding,

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getting Buster measured for his
best man's suit.

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Buster?

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Buster's going to be your best man?

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Yeah. Buster Brady, that fecker? Yes!

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I thought you might
have picked Mark.

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I'd love to see my
two sons on the altar.

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Well, I wasn't best man at his
wedding. You were in prison, love.

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Still...I'd like Buster.

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Well, think about Mark.

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Tell me this.

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Have you consulted with Maria
on this 'Buster' decision?

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Nah! The bride picks the bridesmaids,
the groom picks the best man.
She won't mind.

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He's me best friend, Mammy.

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I'm sure you're right.

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Morning! Want a cup of tea, love?

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No, thanks. How's Winnie today?

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Winnie's putting on a brave face,
but she's worried, I can tell.

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Jacko needs a bypass. Of his heart.

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Doctors said he could
be waiting a while...

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five or six weeks, maybe a month.

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If she went private she could
have it tomorrow but Winnie
hasn't got that kind of money.

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That's disgraceful! Ah, that's
the way of the world, love.

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One law for the poor and
one law for the rest of us.

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But who knows? Maybe me or Winnie
will win the jackpot at the bingo

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and then Jacko can have
his operation tomorrow.

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Or you might win the lottery!

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Now don't start me off, Cathy.

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If we win the lottery, you can
forget about the operation.
We're gettin' two new fuckin' men.

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I'll see you later, Mammy.
Good luck. You should
get back to work as well.

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I'm sure there's a few
trees you haven't been up!

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Nah, I'm hanging on. Buster wants a
chat so I told him to call up here.

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Don't look at me like that.
I've gone straight!

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Hello, Mrs Brown.

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You, don't keep him too long.
He has a job to go to.

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I won't. Don't!

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Dermot, I'm going up
to make your bed.

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Will you stop stuffing them dirty
magazines under your mattress!

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It's nearly four-foot
thick at this stage.

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I only buy them for the articles.

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I only go to the supermarket
for the music! And you...

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I'm keeping an eye on you...

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the good one!

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Jaysus, why's your ma
giving me such a hard time?

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She thinks you want to drag me
into a scam of some sort.

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Give a dog a bad name, what?

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So, what do ya want me for?
I've a brilliant scam, Dermot!

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Buster, are you mad?
I've gone straight.

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Just take a look, Dermot.
It's a doddle!

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A raffle for the boxing club?

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One euro a ticket, I put on the
tickets "5,000 euro first prize".

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I tell the people that if they win,
I'll call them. Then nobody wins...

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except us! It's foolproof!

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Not bad, Buster! Now I only got
a hundred tickets printed
just to try it out and Dermot...

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I sold them all in an hour!

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I made eighty euro!

108
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That's only eighty tickets.
I know, yeah. Well, l
I bought two books meself.

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5,000 euro, Dermot, it's not
to be bleedin' sneezed at!

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But...there's no raffle.
Ah, shite, yeah!

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Tease the hair.

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Tease the feckin' hair.

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Neh, neh, neh.

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How much did it cost to
get the tickets printed?

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90 euro.

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So you lost ten euro!

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Ah, this is a bleedin' rip off!

118
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I could do a few bob with
this wedding coming up.

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First of all we need to
get more tickets printed.

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More tickets! Thousands! Hundreds!

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Then we need to make it
something they've never
heard of, a club or something.

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The Dublin Home For Bewildered
Greyhounds And Whippets.

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Nice one. Leave it with me.
I'd better get back to work.

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Jacko's just lying there.

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He's not moving a muscle.

126
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It's a heart attack. He's hardly
going to doing the buckin' samba!

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Jesus, Winnie, he's not dead yet!

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You have to take a more
positive outlook on this.

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Start to look for
the most positive outcome.

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Yeah. Jacko's a fighter.
He'll be fine. How's Jacko?

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He's fucked. What?

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I'm only joking, Winnie.

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Maria! Hiya.

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Hello, love. What has you here?

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I looked in on Jacko
before I left the hospital.

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He's sitting up and he's starting
to get colour back in his face.

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He looked good. Ah, they always
get a lift just before the end.

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Mammy!

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I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

140
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Sorry, are we keeping you?
Have you to go and meet
your invisible boyfriend?

141
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I'd like to meet him. We all would.

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I'll never forget the night
I met your father, and don't
think I haven't fucking tried.

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That was at a party.
Sadie Brady's birthday.

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Right, Winnie. Oh, now
Sadie Brady... BOTH: Slapper.

145
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It didn't take long for her
private parts to go public.

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Her knickers were busier than
the escalator in Marks & Spencer's.

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Up, down, up, down.

148
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God, we arrived that night
dressed to the nines.

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We looked fantastic. Well, I did.

150
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We knocked at a door, we went in.
I never forget. What was it like?

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The place was hopping,
smoke everywhere, flashing lights.

152
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We were there three minutes before
we realised it was on fecking fire.

153
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I looked across the room
and there he was.

154
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Your father, Redser Brown. He was
standing in a corner on his own.

155
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He was shy? No, he was getting sick.

156
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He arrived at the party drunk
and somebody said,
"What will you have to drink?"

157
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He said,
"Give me a pint of anything."

158
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They gave him bucking Windolene.

159
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What? Do you know,
there was a sparkle off his shite
for two weeks after that.

160
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And it didn't smear!

161
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Oh, God.

162
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I took him home that night.
Oh, yes, I brought him home.

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It was lovely. His head was
just here on my shoulder.

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And I carried his legs.

165
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Listen, never mind me.
You married well. I did. She did.

166
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You should see the penis
on her Jacko. Agnes Brown!

167
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We used to go skinny dipping
on Portmarnock beach.

168
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We all lying there and Jacko
would come walking along the beach,

169
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dragging a big groove
in the sand behind him.

170
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Running into the water with his
surf board under his arm and
his penis under the other arm.

171
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It was love at first sight. Ah.

172
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What about your husband, Mrs Brown?

173
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What do you mean, Betty? Well,
when did you realise you loved him?

174
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Oh, Jesus. Love?

175
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Five or six months after he died.

176
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Your father was
best man at our wedding.

177
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Really? Yeah.
And Jacko was our best man.

178
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And that's the way it was.

179
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Just like Dermot and Buster.

180
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I'm sorry?

181
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:49,000
Dermot, he's having Buster
as his best man, apparently.

182
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Buster, I'm telling you,
if the dog sees you playing
with her ball she'll go mad.

183
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6,235 euro.

184
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:15,120
Well, at least that's
the prize money covered.

185
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,720
Buster there is NO raffle.

186
00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:24,400
You bought more tickets, didn't you?

187
00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:28,600
What do yeah take me for?

188
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Yeah, two books.

189
00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:32,760
I'll give you your money back.

190
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:36,400
No. It's all right.
I'll take my chances.

191
00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,640
That's my boyfriend, Dermot.
Would you let him in?

192
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:47,880
Hiya. He's here.

193
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:50,600
OK. I'll be down in a minute.

194
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:52,280
All right?

195
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,320
So you're the boyfriend?

196
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:04,600
I am, yeah.

197
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:08,200
I can put this whole ball
in me mouth. Watch.

198
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:10,400
Shut up, Buster.

199
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,440
Howyeh?
I'm Cathy's brother, Dermot.

200
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,360
Oh, hello, Dermot. What's the name?

201
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My name is Michael. Michael.

202
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:18,000
But the lads at
the station call me Mick.

203
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:26,080
Station? Are you a fireman?
I'm a detective.

204
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,320
I'm off, Cathy.

205
00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:34,840
What was that all about?

206
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:37,840
I have absolutely no idea.

207
00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:40,200
Oh! You look great.

208
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:42,720
Thanks.

209
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,600
Hello! We were just going.

210
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:49,360
Well, hold your buckin' horses now.

211
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,320
So, this is Slick Mick the Dick?

212
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,760
This is Mick.

213
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:58,800
This is me soon-to-be
sister-in-law, Maria. Hi.

214
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:01,400
Hello. And this is Mammy.
Very nice to meet you.

215
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,240
Oh, don't try your
fancy talk on me, son.

216
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:08,520
Do you know that multiple
births run in our family?

217
00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:10,720
Yes, I had twins
and my sister had twins.

218
00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:15,280
Right, Mick, come on. We used
to call her Machine Gun Fanny.
Just go, Mick.

219
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,680
I'm only telling you that
for your own sake, love,

220
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:21,560
in case you're thinking of
getting your leg over her.

221
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:23,520
You'll be up to your neck in kids.

222
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:26,640
He seems like a nice chap.

223
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:32,120
Tea, Maria? Tia Maria!

224
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:39,760
So, Maria, how are you feeling
with the wedding so close?

225
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:44,320
Actually, I'm a bit nervous.
I was too. Nervous of the unknown.

226
00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:46,800
Ha-ha!

227
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:52,200
But I can give you a heads-up.
About a week after the honeymoon,
he'll start looking for S-E-K-S.

228
00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,400
A week?
Yes, a week. They rush at it.

229
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,640
Don't fall into the trap.

230
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,800
It starts the whole thing and
then he wants to play games.

231
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:06,400
Charge of the Light Brigade
was the one I hated.

232
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:10,320
He'd start one side of the
room, naked, and I'd stand
the other and he'd go, "Charge!"

233
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,520
I missed him one night.
He went out the feckin' window!

234
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,760
If you'd have seen my face
stuck on that door knob.

235
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,200
What you need to do is you
need to know the signals.

236
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:33,600
Signals? Signals. My favourite
position in bed was back-to-back.

237
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:39,200
The signal for that is poke, poke.
Poke, poke, poke. Poke, boy.

238
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:42,040
It's like having Ken Doherty
behind you with no chalk on his cue.

239
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:43,760
Mrs Brown, really,
you don't have to.

240
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,720
No, you need to know this, love.
The other signal is not bad.

241
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:50,320
It's when he starts brushing his
teeth and gargling in the bathroom.

242
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:53,440
He's preparing himself. Ha-ha!

243
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:57,160
I only have to hear...
GARGLES

244
00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:02,000
..and my nip...
No, really, I understand.

245
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:05,600
Oh, OK. Hello, love.

246
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,560
Hiya.

247
00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:13,960
Would you like a cup of tea, love?

248
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:17,000
Er, I don't know, Ma.

249
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,440
Are you going to hang on?

250
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:23,320
So, Dermot, have you decided who
your best man is going to be yet?

251
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,720
Cocoa, cocoa? Yet?

252
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:29,000
There was never any doubt about who
would be best man - my best friend.

253
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,920
Buster Brady? Is right.

254
00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:36,160
Buster Brady is not going
to be best man at my wedding.

255
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,840
Horlicks will calm everybody down.

256
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:42,880
Well, that's funny, because he
is going to be best man at mine,
so I must be marrying someone else.

257
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:45,000
Do, then.

258
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:47,240
I can do it in a take-away cup.

259
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,520
Maria!
DOOR SLAMS

260
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:55,720
As Forrest Gump's mother would say,
there's an awful smell of
shrimp off that. What?

261
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,200
Her in the film Brokeback Mountain.

262
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,640
Never mind. Run, Forrest, run.

263
00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,440
I love Tom Selleck.

264
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:14,040
Seven-letter word
meaning constipation.

265
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:17,280
Starting in N and ending in N.

266
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,320
Ah! Nnnnnnn.

267
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,880
Hello, Winnie.

268
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,720
How are you, pet?
What brings you over?

269
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:36,120
Just sitting over there
on my own, worrying.

270
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:39,800
When you're sitting on your
own there's two things you
don't want, and one is worry.

271
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,440
The other is feckin' Panorama.

272
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:49,680
Anyway, maybe one of us will win the
jackpot at the bingo then Jacko can
have his operation in the morning.

273
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:53,440
Or the raffle. What fuckin' raffle?

274
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,920
The Dublin Home For Bewildered
Greyhounds And Whippets.

275
00:17:56,920 --> 00:18:00,640
5,000 euro first prize, Agnes.

276
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,320
I bought ten books.

277
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:04,280
Winnie, you feckin' eejit.

278
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,240
Half them things are a scam.

279
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,480
I had a fella here at Christmas
knocked at the door.

280
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,920
Would I buy a ticket
for a raffle for orphans?

281
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:14,400
With my luck I'd fuckin' win one.

282
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:21,320
What you need is something
to take your mind off
the whole hospital thing.

283
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:23,480
And I have just the feckin' thing.

284
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:26,400
What? Come on.
Wait till you see this.

285
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,320
You can help me with
my bikini wax thing.

286
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,000
You'd better do that upstairs
in the bathroom.

287
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,480
No, no, Cathy is going to have
a bath. No, we'll do it here.

288
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,480
Agnes, you can't do it here.

289
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:41,040
Someone might walk in on you.

290
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:45,760
You're right.
I'd look feckin' stupid.

291
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:49,160
I've an idea. What? We'll do it
in the cupboard. Feck off, Agnes.

292
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:53,160
Come on, Winnie, get into
the cupboard. For God's sake.

293
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:54,680
It's only for the craic.

294
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:02,200
It's dark in here.

295
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:05,240
Jesus, Winnie! What?
I've no feeling in me left leg.

296
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:07,240
That's MY leg, Agnes!

297
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,040
This is feckin' ridiculous.

298
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:12,680
Hold on, I've an idea.

299
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:15,720
You take the instructions
and go out and read them out to me.

300
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:19,600
Oh, that's better. In the light.
OK, love? Are you ready, pet?

301
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:20,840
I'm ready whenever you are.

302
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,200
"Expose the relevant area."

303
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,640
What the feck does that mean?

304
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,920
Get your knickers down.

305
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,800
Ha-ha! No sooner said than done.

306
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:37,680
OK, go ahead, Winnie.

307
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:42,720
"Open the container and spread
the cold wax using the spatula."

308
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,840
Oh, the smell!

309
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:51,320
Is the cold wax smelly?
I can't get the feckin' thing open.

310
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:57,000
Hold on, I have it.

311
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,000
I have it. All right.

312
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,480
Jesus, it's freezing.

313
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,600
OK, Winnie, I'm spread.

314
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:12,600
"Remove the backing from
the sticky tape and apply
it firmly to the area."

315
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:19,840
Jesus, now I'm trying to go
around feckin' corners here.

316
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:23,760
Argh, it's stuck to me arse!

317
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:27,600
Are you all right, Agnes?
Hold on, hold on.

318
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,520
OK, I have it. OK, now what?

319
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:34,240
Now wait for three minutes
and pull the tape off briskly.

320
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:37,200
That means fast. Yank it off.

321
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,960
Winnie, I can't see
me feckin' watch.

322
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,600
Well, count to 180. OK.

323
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:47,840
(QUICKLY) One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven...
PHONE RINGS

324
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,680
Hello, Mrs McGoogan.

325
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,840
Dermot's not here, pet.
Come back later, love.

326
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,840
I'm just leaving this here for him.
He told me to put it in
the cupboard.

327
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:57,800
No, no! Put it in the kitchen, pet.

328
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,320
Go on, put it in the kitchen.

329
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:04,600
It's Buster. Close the door.
You're blowing the arse off me!

330
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,640
Hiya, Winnie.
Who was that at the door? It was me.

331
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:11,720
Are you delighted to see me?

332
00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:13,520
Oh, piss off, Buster.

333
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:18,960
Winnie, where's Mammy?
She's not here, love. 73, 74, 75...

334
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:20,640
She is. She's in there.

335
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:24,680
No, she's not.
120... She was, but she not.

336
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:27,720
154...155... That sounds
like her voice.

337
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,240
It's not. Shut up, you.

338
00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:31,400
Winnie, where is she?

339
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:36,600
178, 179, 180.

340
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:29,160
Are you all right, Mammy?

341
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:34,880
No. I feel like there's a
hedgehog living in my knickers.

342
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,000
Hello, Winnie. Go on in.
I'll follow you in.

343
00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:58,520
Little bastards.

344
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,560
What's all this about?
PHONE RINGS

345
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:13,240
You're about to see.

346
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:23,320
Maria, thanks for coming over.
What's going on? That's
exactly what I was saying.

347
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:26,200
What's wrong? Is Jacko all right?
Oh, Winnie, shut up.

348
00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:29,600
Not every bit of drama in
this series is about Jacko.

349
00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:30,880
Sorry.

350
00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:34,080
Maria, I want nothing more
than to make you happy.

351
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:37,680
I've asked Mark to be my best man

352
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,280
and he's agreed to do it. Yep.

353
00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,840
I'm proud to do it.
He'll be great at it as well.

354
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:46,280
I've spoken to Buster
and he has no problem with it.

355
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,560
Well, what I said...

356
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:51,680
Oh, Dermot, that's fantastic.

357
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,640
No, no, hold on a minute.

358
00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:57,200
No, it's not fantastic.
Now just hold on there.

359
00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:00,800
Maria, I know you don't have the
highest opinion of this little shit.

360
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:07,880
When you told your family that
you were marrying my son, what
was it your cousin Bethany said?

361
00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:09,440
She said,

362
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:11,600
"You're not marrying
that scumbag, are you?"

363
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,200
Exactly.

364
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:18,280
And tell me, Maria, on the day
of the wedding what will that
cat-faced little bitch be doing?

365
00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:20,120
She's my bridesmaid.

366
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:22,240
But she's my only cousin. Fine.

367
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:23,880
That's your choice,
that makes it fine.

368
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:28,520
Well, Dermot and Buster have been
best friends since their arses
were the size of shirt buttons.

369
00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:34,440
Best friends, Maria.
That has to count for something.

370
00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:38,280
If you're lucky, you'll marry your
best friend, just like Winnie did,

371
00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:41,800
and that's more important than
all the lovey-dovey stuff.
So here's the deal.

372
00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:44,760
If you've any sense of
loyalty about you at all,

373
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:50,720
you'll simply ask Dermot who
he'd like to have by his side

374
00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:53,640
to witness the most important
decision of his life.

375
00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:00,600
Your mother's right, Dermot.
I'm sorry.

376
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:02,720
Who would you like as your best man?

377
00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:06,960
Mark...

378
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:08,800
I'm sorry.

379
00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:12,440
Buster...

380
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,440
..will you be my best man?

381
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,600
I do.

382
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:29,400
If you even dream about it,
you'll wake up and apologise!

383
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:35,120
Well, that's that, then.
No, that's not that then.
There's more thats to that now.

384
00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:38,680
Winnie McGoogan, my dearest friend.

385
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:42,600
Winnie, we've been together
through thick and thin. We have.

386
00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:44,200
I was always thin.

387
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:51,640
Winnie, when my Redser lost
his job and we had no money,
you were there by my side.

388
00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:55,640
I was. And when Redser went in
to have his left leg removed,

389
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:57,760
you were there by my side. True.

390
00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:00,400
And when they
took away his right leg,

391
00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:02,120
you were there right beside me.

392
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:04,680
Yes. And the night Redser died,

393
00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:08,720
where were you? Tell them.
By your side, Agnes.

394
00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:10,720
By my side.

395
00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:12,560
Winnie, you're a fuckin' jinx.

396
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:22,600
But you're my best friend.

397
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:26,800
Now, tell me, Winnie,
if Jacko had his operation in
the morning, how much would it cost?

398
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,600
Jesus, Agnes, it's a lot
more than I could afford.

399
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:31,160
Well, this could be your lucky day.

400
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:35,520
Why? Dermot's found out the result
of the raffle. (Oh, Jesus.)

401
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:37,680
I have?

402
00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:40,560
Yes, you have, Mr Dublin
Greyhound and WHIPPETS!

403
00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:45,080
So come on, son,
announce the result.

404
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:48,680
Oh, yeah, the raffle. Yes,
the in-the-kitchen-in-the-red-box
raffle.

405
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:52,000
The result is... Hang on a minute.
Let me get my tickets out.

406
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:02,760
Fire away, Dermot.

407
00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:05,360
The winner of the 5,000 euro...

408
00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:08,560
And the 1,000 euro bonus. What!

409
00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:15,160
..and the 1,000 euro bonus
is Winnie McGoogan.

410
00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:20,400
You see, Winnie, I told you.

411
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,840
Everything works out just
the way it was supposed to. Yes.

412
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:27,840
You can buy us all a drink. I will.
Let's all get down to Foleys and
get this feckin' party started.

413
00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:41,320
I'll follow yous down.

414
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:42,840
Go on.

415
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:51,320
Agnes.

416
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:57,920
Jesus Christ, Winnie.

417
00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:03,400
You know you were saying about us
two marrying our best friends? Yes?

418
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:06,840
Well, I didn't marry my best friend.

419
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,800
I moved in beside her.

420
00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:16,640
I wonder who that fecking was.

421
00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:22,280
Goodnight, friends.

422
00:28:26,640 --> 00:32:58,960
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

2 серия

1
00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:11,320
This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

2
00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:13,040
Ladies and Gentlemen...

3
00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:15,560
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

4
00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:27,240
Hello! Come in, come in!

5
00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:30,520
I'm just making some Brown Bread.

6
00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:32,840
It's my mother's recipe.

7
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:33,840
It's a secret!

8
00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:37,400
What do you want, Grandad?

9
00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:40,520
I'm too weak to get down the stairs.
Well, use the lift!

10
00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:44,840
I'm in the kitchen on the second
floor beside the swimming pool!

11
00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:49,120
Excuse me.

12
00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:50,960
Mammy, mammy, mammy, mammy, mammy!

13
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,800
I'll get it... I'm sure it's Mick.

14
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,680
Mick me arse!

15
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:59,400
Now that's Mick,
the latest NEW boyfriend.

16
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:01,760
I'm not even allowed
to answer me own phone now.

17
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:04,320
I go to answer me phone
I get a feckin' rugby tackle...

18
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:09,160
I don't get a rugby tackle
when I'm on me way down
to pay the feckin' bill!

19
00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:13,200
Oh, yes, and

20
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,440
Mick is a secret. Mmm...

21
00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:18,840
he must be ugly!

22
00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:22,440
Oh, grow up, for God's sake!
Who is it, Cathy?

23
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:24,760
It's a heavy breather.
I'm hanging up.

24
00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:28,520
Oh, no, don't... it might be your
Uncle Terry. His asthma is very bad.

25
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:31,160
Oh! Hello?

26
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:33,800
Ye dirty bastard!

27
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:37,200
What did he say?
"If you can guess what I have
in my hand, you can have it."

28
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:38,840
Gimme the phone!

29
00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:42,360
Hello? If it fits in ONE hand
you can feckin' keep it!

30
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:45,400
Hello?

31
00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:53,760
God, Mammy,
you're well able for them.

32
00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:56,560
I've no feckin' time for them.

33
00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:58,560
I had one of them
on two weeks ago...

34
00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:01,600
He said "If you come down to the
corner I'll show you me willy."

35
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,840
Dirty bastard...

36
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,640
Never feckin' turned up!

37
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:13,720
All right Mammy? Hello, Rory,
do you want a cup of tea?

38
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,640
No. Are you going into town?

39
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:18,680
Yeah! Now, don't you go getting
some girl into trouble.

40
00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:23,080
I won't.

41
00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:27,920
How are you, Agnes? Hiya, Winnie.

42
00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:32,120
Are you putting the kettle on
or what? Hang on -
I'm not on feckin' wheels!

43
00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,080
Can you believe it, Agnes?

44
00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:35,600
Your Dermot getting married!

45
00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:38,600
I know, it's all very exciting.

46
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:42,920
Of course this will be your first
WHITE wedding, won't it, Agnes?

47
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:46,720
Meaning?

48
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:51,240
Well, your Cathy was married
in a registry office in London,
and we all know how that ended.

49
00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:53,280
Will you keep your
feckin' voice down?

50
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,200
That's that dirty bastard again!

51
00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,360
Hello, Hornball.

52
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:06,000
how would you like me to grab you by
the willy and swing you round the
room like a windmill?

53
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,000
Aha... yes! Hold on, Mick.

54
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,520
I'll get her for you.

55
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:15,560
Cathy, Ca-Cathy, it's Mick,
it's Mick for you!

56
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,720
Mammy!
I think we had a crossed line...

57
00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:19,680
there was voices and all...

58
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,360
he must be in a train station.

59
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:25,120
Hello, son! Aha...

60
00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:27,120
you looking for a light?

61
00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,440
Nice one, Mammy!
Hello, Mrs McGoogan!

62
00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:33,360
Hiya, Dermot son. Ah,
congratulations on your engagement.

63
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,520
I'm delighted for yourself and Maria.

64
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,040
You look tired, love.
I'll make you a cuppa tea.

65
00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:39,640
Why don't you lie down there
in the ashtray?

66
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,400
What do you want, Grandad?

67
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:47,440
Help me! I'm stuck in the lift!

68
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:52,920
Cathy, are you still up there? Yes!

69
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,440
No, you're not. I can fuckin'
see you standing there...

70
00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:58,000
she's standing there!

71
00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:02,920
Well, go into
your Grandad's bedroom and
get him out of the feckin' wardrobe.

72
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:08,120
What's WRONG, Dermot?

73
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:11,560
Mrs Nicholson is talking about
dropping in to see you. Oh, lovely!

74
00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:14,680
At last, I get to meet her!
She's very posh, Mammy.

75
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:16,360
And so are we.

76
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:18,360
We have a series on the BBC.

77
00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:20,120
I don't think she has!

78
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:25,560
Yeah, Mammy. Maria's parents
don't know what I do.

79
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:29,440
I just told them I was in PR.
I don't think they'd like...

80
00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:30,800
this!

81
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:32,120
Anti-smokers, are they?

82
00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:34,320
No. No buts!

83
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:40,040
No, Mammy... me dressing up
in costumes.

84
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:42,480
I'm sure Mrs Nicholson
is just like any mother.

85
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:46,160
Once her daughter is happy, she
won't care what you feckin' do!

86
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:50,640
Really, Dermot, don't you
be worrying about her.
When she leaves this house

87
00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:55,160
she'll know that Maria is marrying
into the finest family in Finglas!

88
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:59,640
And you're doing it the right way,
son, not like your brother Mark.
What was wrong with Mark's wedding?

89
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,920
Well, Betty...
You know... it was a bit of a rush...

90
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:08,800
She was pregnant! Oh, Winnie, drag
yourself in to the 26th century.

91
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,440
So what? Look at them now.

92
00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:14,400
A lovely house in Finglas,
and a beautiful child in Bono,

93
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,960
and Mark and Betty are
as happy as happy can be.

94
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,760
Mark and Betty had a row.
She threw him out!

95
00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,800
Jesus - that the time?
Goodnight, Winnie. Come on!

96
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:25,120
Jesus, Agnes,
I'm only after getting my tea!

97
00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:28,360
Mind you don't spill it
getting over the hedge! Goodnight!

98
00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:32,640
Is Mark still asleep?

99
00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:36,240
Yes. He was exhausted and upset
when he got here last night.

100
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:40,120
I think we should put him on a
suicide watch. Will you stop, Rory?

101
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:43,160
I took all the tablets out of
the first aid kit and hid them!

102
00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:46,080
The only thing that was in the first
aid kit was indigestion tablets!

103
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,440
What did he want him to do...
shit himself to death?

104
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,040
You can't do that, Cathy, can you?

105
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,000
Goodbye, cruel world!
FARTING NOISE

106
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,280
Well, at least my son
came home here.

107
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:03,480
My door is always open.

108
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,920
That's the problem.

109
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:09,520
I beg you pardon, Missy?
He's a married man, Mammy,
he shouldn't be coming here.

110
00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:12,960
Should he not?
Well, that's funny. You're married
and you're fuckin' here!

111
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:19,600
Now look, when Mark Brown
gets down here,
we all pretend we know nothing.

112
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,800
Jesus, that's him now.
Everybody hide!

113
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:25,800
No, no, no!
Everybody just look normal.

114
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,320
Hiya, Mark! Howyeh!

115
00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:33,640
Hiya Ma! Hello son...

116
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,640
good morning! Morning!

117
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,800
Sit down there in Mammy's chair!

118
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,280
Come on!

119
00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:45,200
All right, Rory?
BURSTS INTO SOBS

120
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,160
You all right? Yeah, grand.

121
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:56,440
Do you wanna talk about it? No.

122
00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:59,560
It helps to talk about it, Mark.
Believe me, I know.

123
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,640
Shut up, you. Leave the child alone!

124
00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:03,320
Right, I'm off to work.

125
00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:07,720
Right, see you later, love.
See you later, Ma. Bye, love.

126
00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:10,640
(Say goodbye, say goodbye! What?)

127
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:12,400
All me sharp tools are missing!

128
00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:18,120
Rory Brown!

129
00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:26,960
It was for your own good, Marko!

130
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:29,120
I'll see yous later!

131
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:32,320
I'll see you... I'll see you,
love... Have a nice day at work now!

132
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:37,800
Ya feckin' eejit!

133
00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:00,640
Look at you! Diet Coke break!

134
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:04,640
Yes?

135
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:08,360
Hello, Agnes darling!
Hillary Nicholson!

136
00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:11,880
What? Maria's mother! Oh, of course!

137
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:18,040
I was in the area, and I just
thought I'd pop in for a pre-nuptial
chat, as it were. Come in, come in!

138
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,720
Oh, thank you. Oh, bad leg?

139
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:24,480
Yes, I injured it a couple
of weeks ago - skiing accident.

140
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:25,840
I was on the piste.

141
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:29,120
Drink - will we ever feckin' learn?

142
00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:35,240
Give me that!

143
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,760
Would you like a cushion
for that foot?

144
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:44,040
Oh, no, no, actually it's not sore
and this comes off tomorrow. Oh!

145
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,400
Oh, wallpaper!

146
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:49,080
Oh, how very...eighties!

147
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,480
Well, the paper went up in '84, but
the border didn't go up till '92.

148
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,120
Oh, I see.

149
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,680
Hillary... what's your maiden name?

150
00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:03,320
Sheridan. I knew I knew your face,
John Sheridan, the clerk
of St Jarleth's Church...

151
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,320
he was your father? That's right.

152
00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:07,680
Yeah. Nice man. Thank you...

153
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,200
now where was I?

154
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,400
Oh, yes, Maria's wedding.

155
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:15,800
And Dermot's.
She's not marrying herself!

156
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:20,520
Yes, of course. I just
wanted to have a little chat...

157
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,840
make sure we don't clash on the day.

158
00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,560
You and me clash? Not at all.

159
00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:26,440
You keep your fuckin' mouth shut,
we'll be grand.

160
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:33,960
Betty? Betty?

161
00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:37,640
What do you want?
Is my husband here?

162
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,360
Betty, I wish you'd use his name.

163
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:41,360
Mark... Ma-ha-hark..

164
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:45,000
I didn't go through
a hundred hours of labour
and then forget to name him.

165
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:48,680
Nobody is in labour for a hundred
hours, not even Agnes Brown.

166
00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:53,840
I'll have you know, I was so
long in labour on that child,
they had to shave me twice!

167
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,840
Well, that's when he was your son.

168
00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,760
He's my husband now.

169
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:02,320
He was my son for a long time
before he was your husband.

170
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:05,920
So is he here or not?
No, but he'll be home shortly,
for a decent bit of dinner.

171
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:11,280
Cook him as many dinners as you like,
but you tell him if it's a
wife he wants, he'd better call ME!

172
00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:15,440
A wife? Don't make me laugh.
It's a wife my son needs...

173
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,080
not a fuckin' sample!

174
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:24,800
Hello!

175
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:29,760
Um, I think I'll just
slip out the back way.

176
00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:36,520
Hello?

177
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,880
Wait a minute!

178
00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,640
I bookin' live here!

179
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,360
Go on, out... OUT!

180
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:52,000
When are you going to realise your
sons are grown men and stop
treating them like children?

181
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:55,080
As soon as they can find
themselves a woman that's
good enough to replace ME.

182
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:57,240
You are one bitch!

183
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,880
Look at me, I'm bookin' shakin'.

184
00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:02,120
Wagon! Baggy arse!

185
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,240
Ah, shag off!

186
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,080
You watch your fuckin' language
in my house!

187
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:12,200
And we all know your hair
is fuckin' dyed.

188
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:15,880
I thought that went well!

189
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:20,880
So Hillary... You were saying?
Ah, yes, yes.

190
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:24,640
Clothes for the wedding, Agnes,
I was talking about clothes!

191
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:29,920
Clothes? Exactly. I wouldn't
want us to be dressed alike!

192
00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:31,560
Neither would fuckin' I.

193
00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:38,760
Jesus, Grandad, come on.

194
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:41,600
Let's get you upstairs.

195
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,880
Why don't I make the two of us
a nice cup of tea
and we can discuss it?

196
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:49,320
you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Am I right, am I right?

197
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,040
Tea? Cup of tea?

198
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,440
Er, yes, yes... No, no.

199
00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:02,640
Um, look, my outfit for the wedding.
I've had it put by at Harvey Nicks.

200
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:05,400
You're hardly likely
to be shopping there, are you?

201
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:08,720
No. But I have got me eye
on a beautiful suit.

202
00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:10,520
I seen it in the window
of Marcelle's Boutique!

203
00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:14,720
Marcelle's? Oh, well, you'd
need a mortgage to shop there.

204
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:18,800
Oh, then it'll probably
be San Michelle!

205
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:22,960
Oh, St Michael.
Oh, Agnes, you are so funny!

206
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,240
Amn't I... fuckin' hilarious.

207
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:26,880
Well, I mustn't keep you.

208
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,800
I need to get to the gym,
make some appointments...

209
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,840
as soon as this is off,
I'm getting back into shape.

210
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:34,200
What shape are you going for...
Balloon, is it?

211
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:38,240
You might like
to visit the gym yourself.

212
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:40,840
I will, when they start
playing feckin' bingo there.

213
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,480
I'll get you a cup of tea... Oh, no.

214
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:48,920
I'll get you a cuppa tea!

215
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:53,520
Oh, and Hillary,
thank you very much for the heads up
about the clothes for the wedding.

216
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:55,720
Yes, OK!

217
00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:57,840
Just steer clear of silver.

218
00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,520
Silver - you're wearing silver?

219
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,480
Yes.

220
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:04,720
She's wearing fuckin' silver.

221
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,800
She must be coming as RoboCop!

222
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:18,800
Was that not the door?
I didn't hear it.

223
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,480
Are you expecting somebody?

224
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:23,600
No, I just thought I heard the door.

225
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,400
Oh, a sample!

226
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:43,760
I need a size six.

227
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:04,080
Well, hello... if it isn't
Cathy's little secret! I'm sorry?

228
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,920
Come in. She's not ready yet
but she'll be down in a minute.

229
00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:09,880
That's very kind, thank you!

230
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:11,880
Oh, sit down, sit down...

231
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,320
I'm Cathy's mother... Agnes. Hi!

232
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,360
Nice to meet you!

233
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:26,240
So tell me a little about yourself?
Me? There's very little to tell.

234
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,320
Well... where are you from? Wicklow.

235
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:30,360
Right...

236
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:33,280
And brothers and sisters?
No. I'm an only child. Aw!

237
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:36,400
Did Daddy have a low sperm count?

238
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,080
I'm sorry? Now look...

239
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:47,880
I won't beat around the bush.
Are you sleeping with my daughter?
Nooooh!

240
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,800
Get a feckin' move on -
she won't hang around forever.

241
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,440
She likes a bit of...
you know... pumpy, pumpy!

242
00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,200
All right, Mammy! Hello love. Hello.

243
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:03,680
Excuse me a second.

244
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:07,040
Cathy, don't be so
feckin' bad mannered!

245
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:11,840
What? You just walked past him
like he was a perfect stranger! Who?
Mick, your boyfriend!

246
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:13,680
That's not Mick.

247
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,960
What?

248
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:24,240
That man in there
is not my boyfriend.

249
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:28,240
Well, who is he, then? I don't know.
You're the one
that's talking to him.

250
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:38,880
Excuse me a second.

251
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,720
Cathy... get rid of him!

252
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,320
He is YOUR problem.
You get rid of him!

253
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:50,320
I'm sorry about that...
there's been a mistake - yeah.

254
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:54,080
See, you were supposed to be Mick...
you know... and you're not Mick...

255
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:57,280
And you've no sperms.
Now look... wha...

256
00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:59,280
it's...

257
00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:01,520
my...get out!

258
00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:03,240
I'm sorry?

259
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:06,960
Come on... out! Go on... get out,
out, out, out, out...

260
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:09,440
OUT!

261
00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:13,400
Wait... now,
For just one euro a week. Son... Go!

262
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:15,360
Have you thought
about life insurance?

263
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:18,480
No... but I'd go for another kiss!
No, thank you,

264
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:27,240
"You should visit the gym yourself,"
she says. YOU in a gym.

265
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:29,120
Yeah... well I used to do all that!

266
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:32,120
Did yeah? Oh, Jeez, yes.
I used to do the...

267
00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:36,160
I could tell you stories.

268
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,200
I remember I went to a
Turkish Bath once in Dame Street.

269
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:41,920
I was never so embarrassed
in me life.

270
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:46,000
Why? I went in and it was
all steam everywhere,
so I took off all me clothes.

271
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,640
I'm there in me nude
and when the steam cleared,
I was in a fuckin' chip shop!

272
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,320
Do you want salt
and vinegar on that?

273
00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:01,480
Same again, Pet?
Yes, it's about time!

274
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:07,160
Have you got a minute, Mammy?
Yes, all the time in the world
for you chicken honey.

275
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,320
What is it, love? Mammy...

276
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:14,400
Have you ever wondered WHY
I never wanted to play
for Mark's football team?

277
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,120
I know why, love.

278
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:19,920
You do? I've known for years.
I just couldn't say anything to you.

279
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:21,240
You're shite!

280
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,920
You're good at some things,
but football isn't one of them.

281
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,440
Mammy, you never listen to me!

282
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:32,080
Rory, you can't even do
a feckin' headier!

283
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,400
There you go, pet! Thanks, Winnie.

284
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,200
Jaysus.

285
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:41,280
she hasn't wasted much time! Who?

286
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,080
Your Mark's Betty. Look!

287
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:49,760
Don't be jumping to conclusions.

288
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,600
It could be perfectly innocent.

289
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:54,560
Remember before we were married
and you accused me of
going off with your Jacko?

290
00:17:54,560 --> 00:18:00,480
Well, you told Esther Cowan that
my Jacko had a scar on his willy!

291
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:01,880
I did NOT say that.

292
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:04,080
I said it FELT like a scar!

293
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:14,080
This could be more serious
than I thought.

294
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:17,960
Oh, now!

295
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:21,000
Wouldn't you love to be her.
Who? Sarah Le Pippalyn!

296
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,120
Who? Sarah Le Pippalyn.

297
00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:26,800
She was laid by 5,000 men.

298
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:28,640
Show me that?

299
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:34,640
Mammy, that's SAHARA PIPELINE!

300
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:43,920
Mammy, what the hell happened
here with Mrs Nicholson?

301
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:46,320
Nothing. She seemed fine when
she was leaving here! What's up?

302
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:50,280
Maria's mother! She's now talking
about having the wedding in Italy.

303
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:53,480
We couldn't afford to go
to the Italy for a wedding!

304
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:56,120
That's the point. She doesn't
want the Browns there.

305
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,800
You've made things worse! Look.

306
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,880
Don't you be worrying, son.

307
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:05,200
She'll come round, once she
calms down. Everything will work
out how it was supposed to.

308
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:09,800
It always does!
And Mark, Betty called here
the other day looking for you.

309
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,800
Did she? You should talk to her.

310
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:15,920
Ma, just leave it, will you?
No, I just won't leave it.
What's going on?

311
00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,560
I don't want to talk about it!
Fine.

312
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:24,320
Fine. Well, if a man can't
talk to his own mother!

313
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:26,600
Yes?

314
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,160
I was offered a promotion in work.

315
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:33,600
A promotion? A promotion to what?

316
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,760
Supervisor. Ah.

317
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:38,440
Not an ordinary visor!

318
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:44,040
"Mark Brown: Supervisor"!
I turned it down.

319
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,800
"Turned it down..."
You feckin' turned it down?!

320
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:51,040
Well, what did Betty say about that?
That's the thing. I didn't tell her
before I turned it down.

321
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:53,440
For God's sake, Mark.

322
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:56,720
No wonder she's fighting with you!
You can't do that, son.

323
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,400
You're a married man.
It's not all just about you now.

324
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:03,160
It's a team. You have to t...

325
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,200
Can I help you?

326
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:09,800
Well, mind your own business!

327
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:13,920
We'll talk later.

328
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:17,440
You and me. Talk later!

329
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,800
Walls. Fuckin' ears!

330
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:25,520
So then, Rory.

331
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:28,520
Decided to stay on your tools?

332
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:29,600
Rory?

333
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,600
Rory? I don't think his name
is Rory!

334
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:37,920
Him Mark. Me Agnes. You Dermot.

335
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:42,480
Not Rory. Would you like
another go at it, son?

336
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,840
So then, Mark. Decided
to stay with your tools?

337
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:56,080
Yeah!
CLAPPING

338
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:04,560
Mark the chippy,
always one of the lads!

339
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,080
At least I'm not a thief.

340
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:09,080
You're the brightest in the whole
family. You could be anything!

341
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,520
Brighter than you?
I can't read, Dermot.

342
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,400
And I can't write.

343
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:17,520
That's why I turned down the
promotion - PAPER work!

344
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:18,320
Does Betty know?

345
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:21,360
No. How could she NOT know?
Because you hide it, Dermot.

346
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:26,680
I can read me name, or the labels on
things I use a lot, but paperwork?

347
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:28,200
No way!

348
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:34,240
Betty? What's up? Is Bono all right?
Well, look who it is.

349
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,360
What's wrong - no date tonight?

350
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:38,960
Bono's fine.
except that he's missing his father.

351
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,120
Tell him about the man you
were with in Foley's last night!

352
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:46,240
He's a teacher! Yeah,
what's he teach? The Kama Sutra?

353
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:48,280
Ma, shut up!

354
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:50,600
What were you doing with a teacher?

355
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:54,280
He's looking for a part-time cleaner,
and I've taken the job

356
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,560
and in return he's going to
teach YOU to read and write!

357
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:58,600
Read and write? You knew?

358
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:01,360
Of course I knew! Knew what?

359
00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:04,280
Now come on Mark, come home.

360
00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:08,000
Please.
See ya, Ma! What did she know?

361
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,760
Know what?

362
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:13,320
Dermot, what did she know?

363
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:16,040
I'll see you, Ma.
I'm going for a smoke.

364
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:28,200
Well, I'm glad
I sorted all that out.

365
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:39,280
Mammy? You're very early.

366
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:42,040
I've a fucking whole line to do!
Of course you do!

367
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:10,240
Once, that's all I ask - just once
I'd like us to be fuckin' normal!

368
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:15,680
Mammy? Hello, son!

369
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:20,080
Is everything all right? No.

370
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:23,560
I've made a balls of the
whole lot. No, you haven't.

371
00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:25,040
YES I HAVE!

372
00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:28,720
Trevor is gone on the missions
because he can't get
far enough away from me.

373
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:30,720
I've ruined Dermot's wedding.

374
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:32,240
I don't know
what's wrong with Rory.

375
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:34,480
He says I won't listen to him.

376
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:36,840
Mammy! Not now, Rory,
for fuck's sake!

377
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,680
And you.

378
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,400
I never gave you a chance
after your divorce, did I?

379
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:48,480
And he was beating you, wasn't he?

380
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:54,200
And you know, Cathy, when your
father died I was so busy just
trying to keep it all together,

381
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:58,120
that I never even bothered
to make sure Mark could
read and write.

382
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,480
I'm a gobshite!

383
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:06,400
Yeah. You are.

384
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:09,080
I beg your fuckin' pardon?

385
00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:12,440
You're a gobshite, Mammy, because
you can't see what you HAVE done!

386
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:15,000
Now don't plamause me!

387
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:19,440
Mark left school when he was 12, sure
enough, but he was there
for eight years

388
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:23,160
and he never missed a
single day! Not one day!

389
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:27,800
Now, if a school can't teach a child
to read and write in eight years,

390
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:31,400
well, that's the teachers' fault,
Mammy. It's not yours.

391
00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:33,720
The bastards!

392
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,520
Mammy. What?

393
00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:46,520
Trevor is on the missions,
because he has a kind heart,

394
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:48,880
which he got from you.

395
00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:54,680
Rory knows what he
wants to tell you.

396
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:57,000
He's just afraid of hurting you.

397
00:24:57,000 --> 00:25:00,640
Don't be ridiculous.
Rory couldn't hurt me.

398
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:02,200
He's one of my boys!

399
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:07,040
And me, Mammy. Go on.

400
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:12,560
Mammy, I'm just like you! If you
don't like something - change it.

401
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:14,520
You taught me that.

402
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:24,080
So you see, Mammy.
you did a good job. Dermot! What?

403
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:27,120
Dermot, you forgot all about Dermot.
I didn't forget him.
You forgot Dermot!

404
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:32,480
I did not forget him, Mammy.
I just couldn't think of
anything nice to say about him.

405
00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:39,080
Well, go on.

406
00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:43,080
You tell me something nice
about Dermot.

407
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:44,760
Well?

408
00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:48,360
He makes me laugh!

409
00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:57,640
I know it's not a big thing
but Jesus Christ,
he always makes me laugh!

410
00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:01,360
Come here, Mammy!

411
00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:04,440
Oh, don't start that shit now!

412
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:09,680
I'm going to have to feckin'
toughen you up!

413
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:13,760
Cathy!

414
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:15,600
I'd be lost without you.

415
00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:17,440
This last couple of days.

416
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:21,840
Goodnight, Mammy!

417
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:30,480
Wait a minute. I haven't
got fuckin' Venetian blinds.

418
00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:44,880
Oh, Hillary,
thanks very much for coming over!

419
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:47,000
Ah, I didn't say come in.

420
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:53,120
I just wanted you to know that
I think your choice of the Ritz
Crown Hotel is a wonderful choice.

421
00:26:53,120 --> 00:26:57,200
Well, actually, we are thinking
of moving it to Italy.

422
00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:02,000
Yes, whatever happened to the church
fund the year your father
was in charge of it?

423
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:03,560
Did they ever find out?

424
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:09,280
I always liked the Ritz Crown Hotel.
Me too!

425
00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:12,080
You take care now. Arrivederci!

426
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:20,840
Everyone has their little secret.

427
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:24,400
Cathy and her SECRET boyfriend.

428
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,680
And imagine Mark
keeping that secret all those years.

429
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:29,320
That's not right.

430
00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:32,240
Oh, there's some secrets
it's all right to keep, like.

431
00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:34,360
Your age, or your weight.

432
00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:37,120
Or whether or not someone
has a scar on their willy.

433
00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:41,840
But not Mark's secret. no.

434
00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:46,240
Or the recipe for brown bread.

435
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:48,080
I must tell you some time!

436
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:51,640
Goodbye! Come on, Grandad!

437
00:28:10,720 --> 00:30:16,240
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

1 серия

1

00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:11,600

This programme contains strong

language and adult humour

2

00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:12,965

Ladies and gentlemen...

3

00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:15,520

welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.

4

00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,260

What's wrong with you, Granddad?

5

00:00:26,295 --> 00:00:28,120

I haven't slept for three days.

6

00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:34,520

Hello!

7

00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:37,320

I'm just doing a bit of cleaning.

8

00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:40,365

I'm just about to take a break.

9

00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:42,840

God, I say cleaning like

it was a hobby. It's not.

10

00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:46,080

Shut up, you feckin' mutt!

11

00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,920

I... I'd better feed him. Hold on.

12

00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:53,240

Here, Spartacus!

13

00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:58,640

When I... Jesus, I never

opened the feckin' thing!

14

00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:01,800

Here, Spartacus!

15

00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:09,680

I had six children I reared on my own

and they weren't as much trouble as you!

16

00:01:09,715 --> 00:01:12,160

Where was I? Oh, yeah...

17

00:01:12,195 --> 00:01:14,245

cleaning!

18

00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:16,540

Well, it's not as

if it goes unnoticed.

19

00:01:16,575 --> 00:01:18,667

I had Father Quinn round

the other day...

20

00:01:18,702 --> 00:01:20,725

he took one look at the house

and said,

21

00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,680

"Mrs Brown,

yourself and God keep a lovely home".

22

00:01:23,715 --> 00:01:25,857

I said "Thank you, Father"

but I'm thinking,

23

00:01:25,892 --> 00:01:28,000

"You should see it when

God has it on his own!"

24

00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:34,045

I feel like I've

always been cleaning.

25

00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:37,920

When I was 18, I married his son,

Redser Brown,

26

00:01:37,955 --> 00:01:39,640

because of a condition I had...

27

00:01:39,675 --> 00:01:41,040

called pregnancy.

28

00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:45,320

The next day, I started cleaning.

29

00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:47,597

Hiya, Mammy! Hello, Cathy, love.

30

00:01:47,632 --> 00:01:49,840

Ah! Granddad looks peaceful.

31

00:01:49,875 --> 00:01:51,360

Doesn't he! Hahaha!

32

00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:56,165

Heading out on the big date, love?

33

00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,840

It's not a big date, Mammy.

It's just a quiet drink.

34

00:01:58,875 --> 00:02:01,245

Quiet drink! That's what all men say.

35

00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,200

They think vodka's a lubricant

to get your knickers off easy.

36

00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:09,485

You may laugh, but I tell you, one minute

you're sipping Piney Coladies, next...

37

00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:13,560

your legs are up in stirrups with the doctor

shouting, "Don't push till I tell you!".

38

00:02:13,595 --> 00:02:15,925

I'll keep that in mind, so!

39

00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,885

You do that. Ah, why do I bother?

40

00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:20,800

Right, I'm off! Do you want

a cup of tea before you go, love?

41

00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:20,920

5

Right, I'm off! Do you want

a cup of tea before you go, love?

42

00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:25,200

5

43

00:02:25,515 --> 00:02:26,840

Did Daddy always come late?

44

00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:34,920

That's none of your feckin' business!

45

00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:37,845

See you later!

46

00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:41,080

Cathy, love!

Yes, Mammy? You look fantastic!

47

00:02:41,115 --> 00:02:42,417

Thanks, Mammy.

48

00:02:42,452 --> 00:02:43,720

Keep them on!

49

00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:49,760

I... I'm not just a cleaner.

50

00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:53,205

I have a market stall as well.

51

00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:56,680

I sell fruit and vegetables. I

suppose I'm a business woman! Ha ha ha.

52

00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,805

I don't like customers

who come and just poke.

53

00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:04,160

They come and maul your fruit without

any feckin' reason whatsoever.

54

00:03:04,195 --> 00:03:06,800

I say to them, "Missus,

that's a banana, not a willy..."

55

00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:11,040

".. it won't get bigger

if you squeeze it!"

56

00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,000

There goes Happy Feet!

57

00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:28,920

I better go in and see what's

happening in the North Pole.

58

00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:32,245

Hello, Dermot, son.

59

00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,600

Hello, Mammy.

What are you promoting this week?

60

00:03:34,635 --> 00:03:36,720

Chocolate biscuits.

Oh, lovely...

61

00:03:36,755 --> 00:03:38,897

what kind?

62

00:03:40,561 --> 00:03:42,100

Kit Kats!

63

00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,205

Dermot, love...

64

00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,600

quack, quack, quack, quack!

65

00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:52,000

What's wrong, love? Why are you

such a sad little penguin?

66

00:03:52,035 --> 00:03:54,560

You're not in trouble

with the law again, are you?

67

00:03:54,595 --> 00:03:56,645

No, Mammy, it's Maria.

68

00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:59,160

Ah, the lovely Maria.

We've broken up.

69

00:03:59,195 --> 00:04:00,280

Bitch! Never liked her!

70

00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,565

What did she do?

She's not a bitch, Ma.

71

00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:08,085

And she didn't do

anything, it's just... Yes?

72

00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:11,040

.. to be honest Mammy, I'd rather

not talk about it right now.

73

00:04:11,075 --> 00:04:12,817

I understand...

74

00:04:12,852 --> 00:04:14,525

so what happened?

75

00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:17,520

Mammy! I'm not talking about it!

76

00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:20,005

Fine...

77

00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:23,085

Do you want a cup of tea?

No, I'm only on a quick break.

78

00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:26,640

Well, if it's only a quick break, you

should slip into the fridge and relax!

79

00:04:26,675 --> 00:04:29,880

Hahahahaha! Slip into the... Hahaha!

80

00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:44,120

It's very late to be studying.

Hi, Mammy.

81

00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:48,760

I can't sleep,

worrying about Dermot and Maria.

82

00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,085

Cathy...

83

00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:55,480

you amaze me the amount of work and persistence

you put into everything you feckin' do.

84

00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:00,640

And I know I'm biased...

you're my only daughter

85

00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:04,960

.. but the man who gets you will be...

he'll be the luckiest man on earth.

86

00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:09,400

Not bad for a widow bringing

up a girl on her own, hey?

87

00:05:09,435 --> 00:05:10,440

Am I right?

88

00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:12,760

Sorry, Mammy?

89

00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:16,640

Nothing, it doesn't matter.

90

00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:20,405

Cathy, what am I going to

do about Dermot and Maria?

91

00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:25,680

Mammy... it's best if we all just butt

out and let them sort it out themselves.

92

00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,200

What do you want, Granddad?

93

00:05:29,235 --> 00:05:30,685

I don't feel well.

94

00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:33,200

You're 92, you're not

supposed to fuckin' feel well!

95

00:05:35,412 --> 00:05:37,485

Mammy! What?

96

00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,365

Maybe he really is sick.

97

00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,920

Don't take any chances.

Call the doctor!

98

00:05:41,955 --> 00:05:43,645

A doctor? At 80 euro a visit?!

99

00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:47,040

He's no health insurance.

At least he's insured for a funeral.

100

00:05:47,075 --> 00:05:48,160

Mammy!

101

00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,280

Fine. I'll call the doctor.

102

00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:55,320

This is all because of his

feckin' budgie! His budgie?

103

00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,057

Found him dead today.

104

00:05:57,092 --> 00:05:58,866

Well, he must be upset.

105

00:05:58,901 --> 00:06:00,605

He's at that age, love.

106

00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,880

His budgie dies,

he's sure he's going to be next.

107

00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:06,200

With a bit of buckin' luck!

108

00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:15,000

It's a sharp pain across

the shoulders and down the spine.

109

00:06:15,035 --> 00:06:17,840

How long has he had it?

Not him... ME!

110

00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:23,125

Mrs Brown,

I'm here to examine Granddad.

111

00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,640

You're wasting your time with him,

he's fucked.

112

00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,720

Only a matter of time,

isn't it, Granddad?

113

00:06:29,755 --> 00:06:30,997

Am I dying?

114

00:06:31,032 --> 00:06:32,240

Yes... Friday!

115

00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:36,940

What's wrong with him, anyway?

116

00:06:36,975 --> 00:06:38,827

I'll have to run some tests.

117

00:06:38,862 --> 00:06:40,645

Tests! More feckin' money!

118

00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:44,160

I'll need a sample of his urine,

and a sample of his stool.

119

00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,765

What'd he say?

120

00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:50,480

He wants your underpants.

121

00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:56,760

Granddad, I need you to close

your mouth when I put it in.

122

00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:00,960

He's never heard that before!

123

00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,920

I'm afraid I'll have

to do a rectal reading.

124

00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:07,245

Can you help me?

125

00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:08,960

With buckin' pleasure!

126

00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,245

Come on, Granddad!

127

00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:14,880

The doctor has a surprise for you!

128

00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:23,200

5

129

00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,165

Would you like a cup of tea, Doctor?

130

00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:29,040

I wouldn't mind another one

of these. It's in the kitchen.

131

00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:34,780

I'll get you a cup of tea, Granddad.

132

00:07:34,815 --> 00:07:37,407

I wish you could see it

from this side!

133

00:07:37,442 --> 00:07:40,000

You look like a big buckin'

toffee apple.

134

00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:49,480

Granddad! What are you doing there in

that state? Come on... fix yourself!

135

00:07:49,515 --> 00:07:51,640

Now, sit down.

136

00:07:51,675 --> 00:07:52,685

No!

137

00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:56,640

Granddad! Come on, sit down.

No! No! No!

138

00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:04,400

Now...

139

00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:09,040

.. now, Granddad,

isn't that much better?

140

00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,620

Granddad! Hahahahaha!

141

00:08:16,655 --> 00:08:18,325

What are you doing?

142

00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,240

Come on, Granddad. Now

we're going to play Treasure Hunt!

143

00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:28,720

No, Mrs Brown. I'm afraid it's gone.

144

00:08:28,755 --> 00:08:32,257

Gone?! I'm not paying for that!

145

00:08:32,292 --> 00:08:35,760

Now, wait a minute... er, gone?

146

00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,360

Is that bad? Is that dangerous?

147

00:08:39,395 --> 00:08:40,840

Get him to hospital today.

148

00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,120

We'll explore the cavity then.

149

00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,340

Explore the cavity! What?

150

00:08:47,375 --> 00:08:49,440

He's going potholing!

151

00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:53,560

Goodbye, Mrs Brown.

Goodbye, Doctor.

152

00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:58,320

Now you've heard of

"Doctor Dolittle"...

153

00:08:58,355 --> 00:09:00,200

there goes "Doctor Do-Fuck-All"!

154

00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:05,500

You're going to hospital, Granddad...

155

00:09:05,535 --> 00:09:07,920

and you're not coming fuckin' back.

156

00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:12,965

Mammy. Yes, love?

Did you see me Psychology magazine?

157

00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:16,080

I left it down here last night.

No and if you left it on that chair,

158

00:09:16,115 --> 00:09:17,520

it's probably up his arse!

159

00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:21,280

Arse like a buckin' Dyson he has!

160

00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:28,600

Cathy, there has to be something

I can do about Dermot and Maria.

161

00:09:28,635 --> 00:09:29,640

Mammy...

162

00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:34,600

.. as I said, we all need to just

butt out. I want to be involved...

163

00:09:34,635 --> 00:09:36,937

I want to be a leader!

Like your man in Iran,

164

00:09:36,972 --> 00:09:39,240

'Mock Mood Momamma Jibbidi

Get It Back Up Again'.

165

00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:44,360

Mammy, of all people

you stay out of this. I mean it.

166

00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,920

Promise me you won't interfere.

167

00:09:48,955 --> 00:09:50,640

OK!

168

00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,080

Me? Interfere?

169

00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,280

Biscuit, Maria? Thank you.

170

00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:11,840

Ah, I cut the edges off

so they fit in the mug.

171

00:10:14,332 --> 00:10:16,720

Oh. I see.

172

00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:20,400

So, Maria, why are you torturing my

son?

173

00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:22,765

Excuse me?

174

00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:25,400

Well, you've obviously

done something to upset him.

175

00:10:25,435 --> 00:10:26,600

How can we make it right?

176

00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:29,280

Maybe if you apologise?

177

00:10:29,315 --> 00:10:31,085

Me? Apologise?

178

00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:33,885

That's the spirit, love!

179

00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:38,120

Mrs Brown, I have no idea what Dermot

has told you about what's going on, but...

180

00:10:38,155 --> 00:10:41,125

maybe I should say I'm sorry

all right, sorry I ever met him,

181

00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:45,400

sorry I allowed myself to fall in love with him

and sorry I ever got involved with his family.

182

00:10:45,435 --> 00:10:50,120

And sorry that he has to put up with

such a domineering matriarch as you!

183

00:10:50,155 --> 00:10:52,720

I was hoping for something shorter!

184

00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:57,840

Dermot, you're home, just in time. Maria has

something she wants to tell you. You have?

185

00:10:57,875 --> 00:11:00,960

Yeah! I hope you and your mother

will be very happy together!

186

00:11:00,995 --> 00:11:03,440

Keep it short! Keep it short!

Now get stuffed!

187

00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:09,720

Do you want a cup of tea, love?

188

00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:12,565

What the hell happened here, Mammy?

189

00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,400

What the hell happened?

She came here, sat down,

190

00:11:15,435 --> 00:11:17,360

nibbled the biscuits and dunk...

191

00:11:17,395 --> 00:11:18,605

I don't know what to...

192

00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,780

She meant... What is this side...

So she...

193

00:11:20,815 --> 00:11:22,920

I'm here... Oh, yeah, wuzzah...

And she said...

194

00:11:22,955 --> 00:11:24,125

Don't you muck! Eh!

195

00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:28,200

Ohhh! Zem! Nice! You keep away!

Uzzah!

196

00:11:28,235 --> 00:11:30,200

It's no wonder you dumped her!

197

00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:36,280

I didn't dump HER. She broke up with

me, because I wouldn't move in with her.

198

00:11:36,315 --> 00:11:38,960

Leave home? Yes!

She wants us to move in together.

199

00:11:38,995 --> 00:11:40,440

It's far too early for that!

200

00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:42,520

I'm 33.

201

00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,325

Exactly!

202

00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:49,840

Mammy, I wish you'd stay

out of things and for once...

203

00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:51,480

mind your own business!

204

00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:56,360

You are my business!

205

00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,040

I'm... your mother...

206

00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,000

It's a man in a fuckin' dress!

207

00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:09,605

Here, Cathy...

208

00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:11,680

I believe your date was a disaster.

209

00:12:11,715 --> 00:12:13,577

I wouldn't say that, Winnie!

210

00:12:13,612 --> 00:12:15,440

You're better off, Cathy.

211

00:12:15,475 --> 00:12:17,240

Men, preverts!

212

00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:22,560

They all look for one thing,

and don't need a com-pass!

213

00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:26,680

Will you stop it, Mammy!

He wanted to go out and have a talk.

214

00:12:26,715 --> 00:12:29,320

Oh, a talk... yeah!

Talk about doin' it!

215

00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,880

Mammy...

Hold on, where's me handbag?

216

00:12:35,915 --> 00:12:37,720

Feckin' hang on.

217

00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:54,720

Me tablets are in it.

218

00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,205

Mammy, my date was not a disaster!

219

00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:01,720

Well, when are you seeing him again?

I'm not.

220

00:13:01,755 --> 00:13:03,877

Disaster!

221

00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,920

My Sharon's got herself a new...

222

00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:08,925

yoke.

223

00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:11,840

Boyfriend, Mrs McGoogan.

I've met him and he's very nice.

224

00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:13,805

One of the usual weirdos

Sharon picks?

225

00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,320

Actually he's a gentleman.

Gentleman, Betty?

226

00:13:16,355 --> 00:13:18,765

And what would you call a gentleman?

I dunno.

227

00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,920

Opens the door for you? Mmmm. Takes

your coat off when you go in?

228

00:13:21,955 --> 00:13:25,640

Mmmmm. Pulls the chair out

when you go to sit down. Aye!

229

00:13:25,675 --> 00:13:27,440

Dirty bastard!

230

00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:31,805

That's all put on!

231

00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,640

He just wants to

play hide the sausage!

232

00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:38,580

Will you stop it, Mammy.

233

00:13:38,615 --> 00:13:40,520

Not all men are sex maniacs!

234

00:13:40,555 --> 00:13:42,245

Yes, they are!

235

00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:43,765

They are! Aren't they, Winnie?

236

00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:47,360

Only last year, me and Winnie went to

that film festival, The "Cock-a-Coh".

237

00:13:47,395 --> 00:13:49,597

Uh, what's the one with the...

238

00:13:49,632 --> 00:13:52,356

the motorbike and the swords and..

239

00:13:52,391 --> 00:13:55,080

Radiator! Gladiator! The Graduate!

240

00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:59,440

We looked great with

our Liverpool hairdos.

241

00:13:59,475 --> 00:14:00,765

I had mine like Cilla Black,

242

00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:02,480

she had hers like fuckin' Ken Dodd.

243

00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:07,080

We went to that picture house and

were only five minutes there...

244

00:14:07,115 --> 00:14:08,640

Five minutes... sitting down.

245

00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:13,485

I can't... I can't say it!

I'm too embarrassed. You tell them.

246

00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:17,040

Well, this..... fella came over and

sat beside Winnie, right beside her.

247

00:14:17,075 --> 00:14:19,080

Right beside me! Right beside her!

248

00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:23,360

Five minutes later,

what's he do? What's he do?

249

00:14:23,395 --> 00:14:27,240

He takes his willy out... Out! Out!

250

00:14:27,275 --> 00:14:28,725

Oh, my God.

251

00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,360

The dirty bastard!...

252

00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,780

Winnie says to me,

"Look, look Agnes!"

253

00:14:33,815 --> 00:14:36,080

Well, I glanced...

I only feckin' glanced!

254

00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:42,125

Oh, my God! What?

He was playing with it!

255

00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:45,840

Poor Winnie was disgusted.

I was disgusted. She was disgusted!

256

00:14:45,875 --> 00:14:48,800

Well, why didn't you move?

We couldn't move!

257

00:14:48,835 --> 00:14:50,760

He was using Winnie's hand.

258

00:14:58,280 --> 00:14:59,800

I'm only joking, Winnie!

259

00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:03,480

Oh, Jesus!

260

00:15:03,515 --> 00:15:04,720

Well, here...

261

00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:10,200

.. it's because of weirdos like him

that I carry this.

262

00:15:10,235 --> 00:15:11,325

Jesus!

263

00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:13,525

Jesus Christ! What's that?

264

00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:20,240

It's a Tazer gun. If it was me he sat beside, I'd

give him one jab of this and he'd be electrocuted.

265

00:15:20,275 --> 00:15:22,400

And she wonders why

she can't get a man.

266

00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,200

Vibrators!

267

00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:30,605

I beg your pardon, Winnie?

268

00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:34,920

Well, nowadays, that's what

the women do get, them vibrators!

269

00:15:34,955 --> 00:15:36,240

Shut the buck up, Winnie!

270

00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:39,080

Honest, Agnes, they do!

271

00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:41,680

I think I might get one meself!

272

00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,520

Well, make sure you get

one that takes diesel!

273

00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,285

Can you imagine her with a vibrator?

274

00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,480

"Winnie, are you coming

to Bingo on the bus?

275

00:15:56,515 --> 00:15:59,240

"No, I'm on a vibrator!"

276

00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:04,800

Oh, Winnie,

stop that feckin' dirty talk!

277

00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:10,000

Hello? Yes? Is that Out Patients?

278

00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:12,160

I'm enquiring about Mr Brown.

279

00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:14,560

Brow-we-nuh.

280

00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,800

.. Up his arse, that's him, yes.

281

00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,240

Very generous? Why, what did he do?

282

00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:26,800

Nurse, is he near you? Put him

on the phone will you, please?

283

00:16:26,835 --> 00:16:28,965

For God's sake, feckin' eejit.

284

00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,520

Hello Granddad. Yes, did you fill

out a form there this morning?

285

00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,360

Yeah. What did you tick off on it?

286

00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:38,240

Kidneys...

287

00:16:38,275 --> 00:16:40,077

heart...

288

00:16:40,112 --> 00:16:41,845

liver...

289

00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:43,520

that was a donor form!

290

00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,680

No, it wasn't

the feckin' breakfast menu!

291

00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:54,080

Well, you go back to her and make sure

you get all the bits you went in with!

292

00:16:54,115 --> 00:16:57,440

I swear that man is getting

feckin' worse every day!

293

00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:59,565

Mammy? What?

294

00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,365

I really enjoyed those few

drinks we had last night!

295

00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:06,120

You had enough of them! Yeah, one more

vodka and I'd have been under that table!

296

00:17:06,155 --> 00:17:09,080

One more pint of cider and I'd

have been under that buckin' barman!

297

00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:14,805

You wouldn't, would you, Mrs Brown?

Don't be ridiculous, Betty!

298

00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:19,720

It's so long since I had sex, I can't

even remember who it is that gets tied up!

299

00:17:19,755 --> 00:17:21,397

Here, we'll miss the shops.

300

00:17:21,432 --> 00:17:23,040

You all right, Cathy? Yeah!

301

00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,405

Mammy...

302

00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:28,960

keep an eye on me Tazer

for me will you, it's charging.

303

00:17:28,995 --> 00:17:31,417

When the red light goes out,

plug it out.

304

00:17:31,452 --> 00:17:33,840

Red light out, plug out.

Cathy love...

305

00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,760

.. what am I going to do about

Dermot and Maria?

306

00:17:37,795 --> 00:17:39,080

I think you've done enough.

307

00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:43,000

I have an idea. Cathy, you're

training to be a psychologist.

308

00:17:43,035 --> 00:17:45,657

Why not give them counselling?

Counselling?

309

00:17:45,692 --> 00:17:48,245

That's not a bad idea, Betty.

No, no, Cathy!

310

00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:50,765

I'll talk to Maria.

I'll see you later, Mrs Brown.

311

00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:54,240

See you later, Betty.

Cathy, Cathy love. Wait a second!

312

00:17:54,275 --> 00:17:56,400

We need to talk about this!

You can't just...

313

00:17:57,720 --> 00:17:59,165

Cathy! Cathy, love!

314

00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:02,680

You're not even qualified to feckin'

counsel for God's sake! Cathy!

315

00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:06,520

Cathy, for God's sake!

316

00:18:06,555 --> 00:18:08,040

Hello?

317

00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,520

Hello? Hell, hell, hello?

318

00:18:30,555 --> 00:18:32,840

How do you do, do, do, do do?

319

00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:36,840

No, there, there's no O'Brien here...

320

00:18:36,875 --> 00:18:39,560

you have, have

the wr... wrong number.

321

00:18:39,595 --> 00:18:41,200

Are you fucking deaf?!

322

00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:44,200

Oh, hello, Father Quinn!

323

00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:59,445

Hm! Counselling?

No counselling in my day.

324

00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:04,040

You must be joking. If me and your father

had problems, we couldn't run to a counsellor!

325

00:19:04,075 --> 00:19:06,525

No way, Jose!

326

00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:10,240

We'd sort it out ourselves, like

adults! Into a room on our own...

327

00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:12,040

and I'd knock the shite out of him.

328

00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:17,520

We didn't need a counsellor...

329

00:19:17,555 --> 00:19:19,680

We needed a buckin' referee!

330

00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:23,040

Well, we're nearly

ready to get started.

331

00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:26,365

Oh, don't mind me.

332

00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:30,680

I'm just a fly on the wall,

a fly on the wall.

333

00:19:30,715 --> 00:19:32,040

Bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz.

334

00:19:32,075 --> 00:19:33,437

Bzz, bzz, bzz.

335

00:19:33,472 --> 00:19:34,800

Tss, tss, tss.

336

00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:42,040

I think everybody would be more

comfortable if you weren't here.

337

00:19:42,075 --> 00:19:44,560

It's a pity everybody

doesn't pay the buckin' rent!

338

00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:52,520

All right Mammy,

but please... don't interfere.

339

00:19:52,555 --> 00:19:54,960

Fly, wall, me.

340

00:19:54,995 --> 00:19:56,120

Bz.

341

00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:59,120

OK then, let's begin...

342

00:19:59,155 --> 00:20:00,200

Badges!

343

00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,960

You never gave us our badges!

344

00:20:03,995 --> 00:20:04,965

Badges?

345

00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:06,525

We're all meant to have badges.

346

00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:08,920

You know, "My name is Agnes

Brown. I'm a lunatic!"

347

00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:13,040

No, Mammy. You don't get badges.

348

00:20:13,075 --> 00:20:14,685

You're meant to get badges.

349

00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:16,840

You don't, Mammy,

and that's the end of it!

350

00:20:16,875 --> 00:20:18,760

Fine... you forgot the badges.

351

00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,660

Maria, what do you...

352

00:20:22,695 --> 00:20:24,885

I have stickers upstairs!

353

00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:27,720

We could use stickers and a marker

and write the names on.

354

00:20:27,755 --> 00:20:28,725

Mammy, please!

355

00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:32,040

I'm only trying to

help you out of your badge situation.

356

00:20:32,075 --> 00:20:34,045

I DON'T HAVE A BADGE SITUATION!

357

00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:37,120

Well, obviously, because you

don't have fuckin' badges!

358

00:20:37,155 --> 00:20:40,125

I did not forget the badges,

we're just not having badges.

359

00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:44,120

Badges would be pointless in this

situation, because we don't need them!

360

00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:49,360

Cathy, calm down...

361

00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:52,725

.. you're making something

out of nothing!

362

00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:55,360

Dermot, you don't need a badge.

Maria, need a badge?

363

00:20:55,395 --> 00:20:58,040

No, I don't need a badge.

Fuck the badges!

364

00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:01,600

Maria...

365

00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,440

what do you think

started all of this? Well...

366

00:21:05,475 --> 00:21:07,960

Miss! Miss!

Mammy, is this you not interfering?

367

00:21:07,995 --> 00:21:11,280

No, it's Sooty in his nude!

368

00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:16,660

I just want to say this is Dermot's

home. Dermot should go first.

369

00:21:16,695 --> 00:21:20,880

Mammy, it doesn't matter who goes

first. Then start with Dermot.

370

00:21:20,915 --> 00:21:23,085

No, Mammy, I will not

start with Dermot.

371

00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:25,805

Now, if you don't mind,

there's a system for doing this.

372

00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,925

Is there? Yeah! Well, how come

it doesn't matter who goes first?

373

00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:33,440

I beg your pardon? You can't have "system" and

"doesn't matter" in the same feckin' sentence.

374

00:21:33,475 --> 00:21:36,080

Imagine if that was the

system for landing airplanes?

375

00:21:36,115 --> 00:21:38,560

And the pilot coming in to land says,

376

00:21:38,595 --> 00:21:40,765

"Excuse me captain... captain...

377

00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,440

"whatever your name is,

cos we've no fuckin' badges."

378

00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:47,440

"Are the wheels down?

379

00:21:47,475 --> 00:21:49,440

"Oh, it doesn't matter!"

380

00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:57,560

That wouldn't that be a nice way for the

Hoolihans to start their two weeks in Fuengerola!

381

00:21:57,595 --> 00:21:59,480

Do you know what, Mammy? What?

382

00:21:59,515 --> 00:22:02,005

You do this every time.

383

00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:05,480

Ah, don't exaggerate, I never

flew an airplane in me buckin' life.

384

00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:10,000

You mess everything up when

I try to do my own thing!

385

00:22:10,035 --> 00:22:12,337

You're getting paranoid. Am I? Yes!

386

00:22:12,372 --> 00:22:14,640

Well, what about Teddy Brannigan?

387

00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,360

Teddy Brannigan?

388

00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:23,080

That was a long time ago. Yes, it was,

but you still remember it, don't you?

389

00:22:23,115 --> 00:22:24,800

Oh, I remember, all right.

390

00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:30,560

You were sixteen years of age!

391

00:22:30,595 --> 00:22:32,685

Not a titty to your name.

392

00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:36,960

I was going to get you glasses so people

would know which way you were facing!

393

00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:45,480

The neighbours used to say, "Here

comes Cathy Brown with the two backs".

394

00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:51,680

Teddy Brannigan used to go up and down

our road at two o'clock in the morning,

395

00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:55,760

If he got a motorbike,

he'd be dangerous!

396

00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:02,680

And you, running behind

him with your helmet on you!

397

00:23:02,715 --> 00:23:04,605

I was in love!

398

00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:07,640

Love, my arse! What would you know

about love at sixteen?

399

00:23:07,675 --> 00:23:09,525

Especially to a thug like that.

400

00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,120

Oh, Mammy, if you had your way,

I'd never get a man!

401

00:23:12,155 --> 00:23:14,200

It'd help if you'd

stop electrocuting 'em!

402

00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:18,720

I saved you!

403

00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:22,925

You saved me?

Don't try and thank me now!

404

00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:26,160

I'm not thanking you. I don't know

what you're talking about!

405

00:23:26,195 --> 00:23:29,360

You wouldn't have been happy!

Well, I'm not happy now, so there!

406

00:23:29,395 --> 00:23:31,800

You should talk to yourself

and leave them alone!

407

00:23:31,835 --> 00:23:34,120

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ,

yourself!

408

00:23:34,155 --> 00:23:36,640

You won't even let me...

409

00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:43,405

This is a waste of time! Is it?

410

00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:45,725

Mammy, it's not just

Teddy Brannigan, is it?

411

00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:48,400

No man I ever meet will be

good enough for you, will they?

412

00:23:48,435 --> 00:23:51,005

Where did I leave my violin?

413

00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:54,160

I'm going to me room.

Go to your room... Oh, Jesus!

414

00:23:54,195 --> 00:23:55,480

How could you do that?

415

00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,000

How could you beat your mother?

416

00:23:59,035 --> 00:24:01,285

I brushed off you!

417

00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:03,120

You beat me! Oh, my Jesus...

418

00:24:03,155 --> 00:24:04,640

It's gone dead!

419

00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:10,280

It's gone dead, look, it's

feckin' dead! Look it's feckin'...

420

00:24:10,315 --> 00:24:12,720

Oh, Cathy, I can't turn left!

421

00:24:12,755 --> 00:24:14,680

It's spreading... Oh!

422

00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:31,400

Jesus Christ, I've gone blind!

423

00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:39,880

Cathy! I'm going! Is she still there?

424

00:24:39,915 --> 00:24:41,760

This is ridiculous!

425

00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:46,160

Cathy! Cathy, wait!

Cathy, please...

426

00:24:46,195 --> 00:24:47,440

Cathy, let me explain!

427

00:24:47,475 --> 00:24:48,480

Cathy...

428

00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:50,880

Cath...

429

00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,080

Don't bring me up

them feckin' stairs!

430

00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:58,880

You saw that, now. I was minding

my own business

431

00:24:58,915 --> 00:25:01,085

and she feckin' attacked me!

432

00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:03,360

This is because she

forgot the feckin' badges.

433

00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:09,560

I tell you now, if Jesus Christ appears

to me and asks me to sacrifice a child...

434

00:25:09,595 --> 00:25:11,320

she's fuckin' gone!

435

00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:19,200

Well, I feel much better after that.

436

00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:21,920

So do I.

437

00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:24,365

I'm so sorry, Maria.

438

00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:25,840

No, Dermot, look I'm sorry.

439

00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:29,400

I shouldn't have made a big deal

about us moving in.

440

00:25:29,435 --> 00:25:31,165

Yes, you should!

441

00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:32,445

You were right, Maria.

442

00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:34,360

You mean you want us

to live together?

443

00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:37,520

On one condition. What?

444

00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:45,400

Will you marry me, Maria?

Oh, yeah I will.

445

00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:48,600

Right!

446

00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:53,000

Let's go down to Foley's

and tell everyone! Haha!

447

00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:08,360

I thought that went well. Yeah, Mammy,

it did, it was a great idea. Thanks, love.

448

00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:11,440

I'll get you a cup of tea.

449

00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:15,640

I swear that man thinks

I'm on a feckin' bungee rope!

450

00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:19,740

What do you want now?

451

00:26:19,775 --> 00:26:21,245

'I think I'm dying!'

452

00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:23,800

Yeah? Well,

call me when you're sure.

453

00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:28,045

Go up and see what's wrong with

him will you, Cathy?

454

00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:31,400

Tell him if he doesn't behave, I'll

come and take his temperature!

455

00:26:31,435 --> 00:26:32,600

Cathy!

456

00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:38,320

Here, love, that's for you.

457

00:26:38,355 --> 00:26:39,885

What's this?

458

00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,880

Encyclopaedia Britannica.

459

00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:45,765

It's a phone number.

460

00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:48,600

Yes, it's Teddy Brannigan's

phone number.

461

00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:54,640

You know I don't like gossip, but

I was down at me yoga classes and...

462

00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:59,560

.. I was levitating

beside Mary Matthews and...

463

00:26:59,595 --> 00:27:01,685

she was talking

about Teddy Brannigan.

464

00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:05,160

His wife shagged off on him, left him

with two young kids, two years ago.

465

00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:10,680

It's not easy on your own with young

children, and I know that. And I...

466

00:27:10,715 --> 00:27:12,765

I thought a phone call

might cheer him up.

467

00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:15,120

You know you get a phone call

sometimes, "Hello?

468

00:27:15,155 --> 00:27:16,920

"Oh, Jesus I'm cheered up!"

469

00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:21,200

Anyway that's his number...

470

00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:26,840

Thank you, Mammy. You're welcome!

471

00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:30,960

I mean it, Mammy.

472

00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:34,280

Really.

473

00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:36,980

Thank you.

474

00:27:37,015 --> 00:27:38,320

I know you do.

475

00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:43,280

That... that's what we do, love...

476

00:27:43,315 --> 00:27:45,285

mothers...

477

00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:46,760

that's what we feckin' do.

478

00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:59,440

That's it, I suppose, you know. I'm

not a cleaner, or a businesswoman.

479

00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:02,240

I'm a mother.

480

00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:06,040

And, and that's what we do. That!

481

00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:11,280

He's still a buckin' thug!

482

00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:15,400

Who are you talking to, Mammy?

483

00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:19,920

Nobody. Just meself, you know.

Nobody important.

484

00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:25,965

Goodnight.

485

00:28:26,000 --> 00:31:20,000

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